It seems like everyone hits a point in their lives when they want to find someone to love and settle down with, and this decision is usually followed by months or even years of frustration, wondering why there doesn’t seem to be any decent singles out there.
Read on to discover how to find love and exponentially increase your chances of finding a compatible date.
Step 1: Stop Hoping for a Soul Mate.
I have a secret to tell you: there is no such thing as a soul mate, “the one”, destined lovers, or any of that crap. Let’s say the average person goes on five dates per year, so if even one of those works out, of course it’ll feel like it was meant to be.
In reality, there are literally tens of thousands of people out there compatible enough for you to marry; it’s a matter of putting yourself out there and meeting them.
Step 2: Define Who You’re Looking For
I’ve worked with many clients who come to me saying “I keep attracting the wrong people. Can you help me find the one?”
The first thing I do in this situation is ask them to define the person who’s perfect for them. Aside from vague answers like good looking, nice, and so on, most people have no idea. If you don’t know who you’re looking for, you’re going to have a hard time finding them.
Step 3: Make These Four Lists
Make a list of ten reasons you want someone to love and share your life with. This will make it easier to do the next three lists and gives you a good starting point. Sometimes, it’ll also illuminate unhealthy reasons like using relationships to boost your self-esteem.
If you notice unhealthy stuff in your list, deal with it ASAP. One of the best ways to have a great relationship is to deal with your own shit before you get into one.
Next, make a list of three must-have qualities. That’s right picky pants, you only get three. These can be physical traits, but I suggest you use these wisely and choose character traits instead.
Make a list of three important qualities.
Make a list of five nice-to-have qualities.
Step 4: Define Your Values and Boundaries
Deep, long lasting relationships are formed on the bedrock of a shared value system. Define your key values (things like honesty, respect, risk taking, etc.) use those to develop your boundaries. Set expectations for the people in your life, and don’t be afraid to cut them out if they aren’t living up to them.
For example, if you wrote down the value of honesty, you need to figure out what level of dishonesty you will tolerate from a date before you break off the relationship. If you have no boundaries, people won’t respect you. But don’t go too far – if your expectations are too high, no one will live up to them. Nobody’s perfect!
Once you’ve chiseled out your value system and decided what you’re willing to tolerate, it’s time to put yourself out there and stick to your guns. Be ready to commit, but be just as ready to kick them to the curb if they aren’t up to snuff.
Step 5: Put Yourself Out There and Be Vulnerable
In a relationship, you can have one of two things: power or closeness. When you try to keep the upper hand, you hold back on putting yourself out there, and this lack of vulnerability makes it tough to be close to other people.
I’m not saying you need to pour your heart out with every stranger you meet, but don’t waste anyone’s time with power games. Call when you want to call, text if you want to text, say what you want to say. Don’t worry about coming off as uninterested or more secure than you are.
Love is a product of comfort, and comfort comes from being vulnerable and having someone accept that vulnerable side of you. I know it’s scary, but if you aren’t willing to take the risk, you’ll have a hard time finding love.