I was creeping my facebook feed earlier today when I noticed a post by Steve Mayeda, mentioning the lack of posts in the PUA community about the value of monogamous relationships. Perfect, I thought.
Being that I am where I am because I got started in the PUA thing (cringe..) and have ended up happily monogamous for almost 5 years now, this is an ideal topic for me.
But then, something weird happened – I decided to don a wizard robe and do a photoshoot…
So, why would you want a relationship?
The point of this post is not to convince you that being in a relationship is the way to go. For some people, being in a monogamous relationship is ideal, for others it isn’t. People who argue that one is superior to the other are missing the point entirely.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting alternatives to monogamy. One thing that does worry me though is the disproportionate amount of guys in the PUA community who want things like harems, open relationships, or a ton of random hookups. This tells me that either the PUA community attracts those kind of people, or that it pushes guys in that direction.
From my experience, I’d say it’s definitely the latter. There are so many guys who are no where even close to wanting to hook up with a bunch of girls, they’re just insecure, lonely, or approval seeking and they see sleeping with a bunch of women as means to dealing with these issues.
If you legitimately want those things, I fully support you in your journey. I ask though that you sincerely question yourself, your motives, and figure out what you’re trying to accomplish by establishing that type of lifestyle.
5 Reasons Why Monogamy is Awesome
1) Depth of Connection
There’s just no way to feel as connected with someone as you do in a one on one relationship. Having someone you can trust completely, share your life with, and be completely comfortable around is a really cool experience. In fact, I find that after a point monogamy actually teaches you to be more comfortable with yourself than you can be when you’re single.
2) Great Sex
I’ll concede that there’s nothing quite like sexing someone new for the first time, but my experience with random hookups is not so positive, and large scale studies support this. Although people rate one night stand sex as hot, it’s definitely no where close in terms of how often and how good you get off.
When you can trust someone with all the weird, dark, or twisted stuff you like in the bedroom, it opens up a whole new world. You learn just what one another likes, when to do that certain thing, and the focus is on enjoying it while becoming a better lover instead of performing well or just getting your rocks off.
3) Partner in Crime
For you guys out there who are spontaneous and like to go on random adventures, this one is huge. Personally, I love to just take off and go on vacation randomly, sometimes to far off places and for a long period of time. It’s really difficult to find people who are down for this kind of drop-of-a-hat adventure, but the right woman makes it a whole different story.
It’s just so fun to have someone you can run away with whenever you want, and go try and do new things together. And let’s face it – sometimes being single is lonely. You want someone to lay with at night and talk to, have deep conversations, someone to laugh and dream with.
4) Economic Strength
I wouldn’t be able to do half the stuff I do now if I wasn’t with my girlfriend. Splitting on bills, living expenses, fun trips, concerts, vacations, nights out, you name it. You can buy more, save more, your insurance is cheaper, it’s easier to finance big ticket items, there’s so many financial benefits to being in a committed relationship.
5) Support and Challenge
Having someone who’s around you all the time means they know you inside and out. There’s no fooling them, and even if you bullshit yourself, a good woman will keep you on your toes.
Women are like the great gatekeepers of our species. They’re programmed to be turned off when you aren’t being your best self, and an important part of a relationship is your woman calling you out and holding you accountable to your progress as a man. Not only that, but having someone to support you when you’re living your edge and really pushing yourself is an awesome motivator.
What About the Drawbacks?
Like what? The only real drawback I see is not being able to sleep with multiple different women, and sometimes even that isn’t the case. I gladly traded the freedom to take home different women in exchange for the amazing experience I’m having right now. Although I only listed five advantages, there are so, so many more.
Most criticisms are pretty hollow. Not having freedom is a big one, but that’s a result of doing a relationship wrong, not the structure of monogamy itself. A good sign that you have a healthy relationship is your lifestyle hasn’t changed a whole lot, there’s just someone new involved now.
Another one is people cite the high divorce rates as “evidence” that monogamy doesn’t work out, but there’s honestly no way to tell how much of that is a failure of monogamy as an institution, and how much is people not being equipped or capable of having a long term relationship.
In my experience counselling couples, I’ve yet to come across a couple having problems related to the structure of monogamy. The majority of cases are individual issues that present as relationship problems, with a few here and there related to the way the couple interacts with one another.
What’s your experience? What are your thoughts – do you prefer being single, being in a relationship, and why?