Apr 052013
 

I was creeping my facebook feed earlier today when I noticed a post by Steve Mayeda, mentioning the lack of posts in the PUA community about the value of monogamous relationships. Perfect, I thought.

Being that I am where I am because I got started in the PUA thing (cringe..) and have ended up happily monogamous for almost 5 years now, this is an ideal topic for me.

But then, something weird happened – I decided to don a wizard robe and do a photoshoot…

Pick Up Artist Image

Just kidding.


So, why would you want a relationship?

The point of this post is not to convince you that being in a relationship is the way to go. For some people, being in a monogamous relationship is ideal, for others it isn’t. People who argue that one is superior to the other are missing the point entirely.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting alternatives to monogamy. One thing that does worry me though is the disproportionate amount of guys in the PUA community who want things like harems, open relationships, or a ton of random hookups. This tells me that either the PUA community attracts those kind of people, or that it pushes guys in that direction.

From my experience, I’d say it’s definitely the latter. There are so many guys who are no where even close to wanting to hook up with a bunch of girls, they’re just insecure, lonely, or approval seeking and they see sleeping with a bunch of women as means to dealing with these issues.

If you legitimately want those things, I fully support you in your journey. I ask though that you sincerely question yourself, your motives, and figure out what you’re trying to accomplish by establishing that type of lifestyle.


5 Reasons Why Monogamy is Awesome

1) Depth of Connection

There’s just no way to feel as connected with someone as you do in a one on one relationship. Having someone you can trust completely, share your life with, and be completely comfortable around is a really cool experience. In fact, I find that after a point monogamy actually teaches you to be more comfortable with yourself than you can be when you’re single.

2) Great Sex

I’ll concede that there’s nothing quite like sexing someone new for the first time, but my experience with random hookups is not so positive, and large scale studies support this. Although people rate one night stand sex as hot, it’s definitely no where close in terms of how often and how good you get off.

When you can trust someone with all the weird, dark, or twisted stuff you like in the bedroom, it opens up a whole new world. You learn just what one another likes, when to do that certain thing, and the focus is on enjoying it while becoming a better lover instead of performing well or just getting your rocks off.

3) Partner in Crime

For you guys out there who are spontaneous and like to go on random adventures, this one is huge. Personally, I love to just take off and go on vacation randomly, sometimes to far off places and for a long period of time. It’s really difficult to find people who are down for this kind of drop-of-a-hat adventure, but the right woman makes it a whole different story.

It’s just so fun to have someone you can run away with whenever you want, and go try and do new things together. And let’s face it – sometimes being single is lonely. You want someone to lay with at night and talk to, have deep conversations, someone to laugh and dream with.

4) Economic Strength

I wouldn’t be able to do half the stuff I do now if I wasn’t with my girlfriend. Splitting on bills, living expenses, fun trips, concerts, vacations, nights out, you name it. You can buy more, save more, your insurance is cheaper, it’s easier to finance big ticket items, there’s so many financial benefits to being in a committed relationship.

5) Support and Challenge

Having someone who’s around you all the time means they know you inside and out. There’s no fooling them, and even if you bullshit yourself, a good woman will keep you on your toes.

Women are like the great gatekeepers of our species. They’re programmed to be turned off when you aren’t being your best self, and an important part of a relationship is your woman calling you out and holding you accountable to your progress as a man. Not only that, but having someone to support you when you’re living your edge and really pushing yourself is an awesome motivator.

What About the Drawbacks?

Like what? The only real drawback I see is not being able to sleep with multiple different women, and sometimes even that isn’t the case. I gladly traded the freedom to take home different women in exchange for the amazing experience I’m having right now. Although I only listed five advantages, there are so, so many more.

Most criticisms are pretty hollow. Not having freedom is a big one, but that’s a result of doing a relationship wrong, not the structure of monogamy itself. A good sign that you have a healthy relationship is your lifestyle hasn’t changed a whole lot, there’s just someone new involved now.

Another one is people cite the high divorce rates as “evidence” that monogamy doesn’t work out, but there’s honestly no way to tell how much of that is a failure of monogamy as an institution, and how much is people not being equipped or capable of having a long term relationship.

In my experience counselling couples, I’ve yet to come across a couple having problems related to the structure of monogamy. The majority of cases are individual issues that present as relationship problems, with a few here and there related to the way the couple interacts with one another.

What’s your experience? What are your thoughts – do you prefer being single, being in a relationship, and why?

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  8 Responses to “For the PUAs”

  1. Hey dude,
    Good article I am glad you brought my attention to it. You also voice a very good perspectives on relationships and what’s wrong with the PUA community. In fact you hit it on the head. When guys come to me with wanting those things I can guarantee the number one thing they need to fix is themselves first. For the record – I believe that all sex, forms of sex and relationships are good as long as long as they are communications and exchanges between people. Sadly most guys who want sex are in a starvation mode and define the life they want to live by the shitty marketing of the ‘community’. The ones that don’t transition to realizing what sex and relationships are after some time and chase the idea of social skills being a means to control women and sex prove to be the most angry, self-hating guys I have met (and that’s saying a lot).
    In my life now I am practicing a monogamous relationship, not because I believe in monogamy, but because I value our relationship. I have had every type of relationship one can imagine. In fact I had one for 5 years with an amazing woman, and our escapades (mainly mine) destroyed a beautiful thing. Now that I am with Maria, we both talk about different types of relationships but we don’t want to go there now. Why rock the boat? We have it so good.
    And I will tell you this out of experience…Living a Sexual Ideal without being your own Ideal Self a road that will humble you.

    Sex is bigger than us, we are in a way humbled by it. To Live the Sexual Life is to live in harmony of self through other people. Exchange, have passion, be carnal and of course love. Live life with it.

    In any case, great stuff dude! Hopefully I can send people to gain insights off your wise perspective.

    • Thanks for the very detailed reply Steve. I dig your perspective a lot, and respect that the input you give is coming from a place of widely varied experience. I had a similar experience to what you’re describing, where I was monogamous because it’s just what happened, and it was ruined by involving people from outside the relationship.

      I love the spiritual tone I feel when reading the way you describe sex and intimacy. Cheers brother!

  2. Here’s another drawback for you: how about opening yourself up for major heartbreak?

    • Coldman,

      I can see how people would view that as a drawback, but from my POV the risk of heartbreak in relationships, the risk of failure in entrepreneurship, and all other forms of risking to get reward are definitely worth it *if it’s measured and you are fully aware of what you’re getting into*. Careless risk and opening up to anyone are not great ideas.

      I got into PUA because I was cheated on after three years with a girl and it was a horrible, horrible experience, no doubt. I decided I’d risk going through that again and again in order to find what I’m looking for, but I can respect that there are people out there who do not share my view.

      Thanks for bringing that up man.

  3. Ryan, except that you can all 5 of those things in unfenced relationships.

    1. Depth of connection does not lessen just because you don’t regard each other as mutual sexual property.

    2. Great sex? I don’t really go for one night stands either but the choice is not between one night stands and monogamy is it unless the person is un-skilled at having long term unfenced relationships?

    3. Again this is just about being with the “right woman” – its not a fenced / unfenced issue.

    4. Things get even cheaper when 3 or 4 people are sharing cost.

    5. See point 3.

    • Hi JJ,

      You’re absolutely right on all five points. Like I said, I’m not promoting monogamy as the best way or the only way – it’s just what works for me, and for the reasons I listed.

      The reason why I wrote those points in support of monogamy rather than polygamy is I don’t think there are many people who can genuinely live in and enjoy a polygamous relationship and still maintain the depth of connection I’m talking about. Jealousy is another big factor as well.

      I’m one of those people, and most people I know are as well. If you aren’t, all the power to you brother! I can imagine being in an open relationship would be a great experience if you can find the right people to do it with.

      Thanks for the comment dude!

  4. I think the key to an relationship – fenced or otherwise – is ‘inclusivity’ rather than ‘exclusivity’.

    In order for “Open” relationships to work, both partners need to be Open at every level. The moment fear comes in and communication breaks down, that fear seeps into the other person…and sooner or later that fear will engulf the relationship.

    Every feeling has to be shared from the heart. Every thought, every desire…

    If both people have the feeling of being included, not excluded, then open relationships can be the most beautiful thing imaginable. But, yes, easier said than done. Practise makes perfect, like anything else, don’t give up just because it hurt first time around. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. We have to learn detachment; it doesn’t come very naturally for us emotionally stunted primitive human beings…

  5. Thanks for the comment Joss, very insightful.

    I love the bit about not giving up just because it hurts the first time around – some of the best advice anyone can get when it comes to relationships.

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