Ah, the good old friend zone – a term synonymous with many frustrating hours spent doing everything except what you want to do. Holding her stuff, listening to her guy problems, going to the bar with her and wondering why she flirts with other guys, and every other emasculating thing you can think of.
You stick it out though, because one day she’ll realize you’re a stud, apologize for overlooking you all this time, and you will make babies together. At least that’s what you tell yourself, despite the voice deep down inside telling you otherwise.
Before we go any further, there’s something you need to know about the friend zone. It’s important, and it might be difficult for you to accept, but it’s the truth.
You being in the friend zone isn’t the girl’s fault, it’s yours – unless you’re literally incapable of being attractive, in which case there’s always Amsterdam. Seriously though, since no one is incapable of being attractive, you have to accept responsibility for the way things are going. If you’re in the friend zone and you don’t want to be there, you have the option to leave.
If you don’t want to be friends with a girl, you don’t have to be.
Having female friends is great, and there’s no reason to avoid this. The problem arises when you want something more from a girl and she doesn’t, but you keep being friends with her anyway while secretly hoping she’ll change her mind.
You have the option to sever the friendship and chase other women at any time, so there’s no reason to hang out in the friend zone if you don’t want to be there. None.
So what if you find the inner strength to stop hanging out with this girl and approach other women, but you are friend zoned again and again?
Well first off, I congratulate you for growing a pair. It’s so much easier to sit comfortably in misery than to endure the pain of change, and if you’ve gotten to this point you have nothing to worry about. I almost guarantee you have the same set of misconceptions as every other compulsively nice guy (including yours truly) on the planet.
Fortunately these misconceptions are relatively easy to fix once you’re aware of them, and doing so will make your life a lot more enjoyable.
Misconception #1: Girls don’t like jerks, so if I’m the opposite of a jerk, she’ll date me.
You’ve heard your whole life that women want nice guys, so there you are being as nice as possible for months and nothing happens. Holding doors, flowers, dinner dates, picking her up from some guy’s house after she got wasted and slept with him. How could she not see the knight in shining armour right under her nose? Girls always complain about jerks, so why do they keep going for them?
Girls aren’t lying when they say they don’t like jerks. The key distinction here is they are attracted to jerks. The mistake most guys make is assuming what a girl says she likes and what she’s attracted to are the same thing – they aren’t.
Jerks often have confidence, spontaneity, a lack of self-consciousness, and most importantly, they have fun. They don’t give a shit if they’re being too loud or acting stupid, they’re too busy having a good time. These are all things that are attractive. What jerks don’t have are manners, courtesy, thoughtfulness, and so on – this is what girls are talking about when they say they don’t like jerks.
Guys who get friend zoned act nice, but they don’t act in a way that’s attractive.
Unfortunately, most guys assume all they have to do is the opposite of what women don’t like, and then women will find them attractive.. and speaking from experience, I can tell you this definitely doesn’t work. It’ll make them like you, but attraction is a whole different issue. Being overly nice actually kills attraction in most cases, because it reeks of creepy desperation.
Misconception #2: I’ll do what jerks do, then she’ll date me.
Most guys are unaware of why jerks are attractive; all they know is jerks have a reputation for being rude, obnoxious, and sometimes treating women like shit. What a frustrated nice guy might expect to happen when he starts acting rude is women being pissed at him while being helplessly attracted, but instead women just get pissed. Nice guys are often too self-conscious to be confident and spontaneous, so now he’s just a boring, mean guy.
Excluding sadomasochism, women DO NOT like when you’re mean to them. They LOVE nice guys, as we are a rare breed. What you need to do is this:
Keep being nice, but learn to behave attractively while doing it.
Since behaving attractively is such a huge topic – and because you’re sick of my wall of text already – I’ll give you a few simple things you can start doing right away to get better results with women.
Number 1: Stop buying stuff for girls you aren’t dating.
Why is this such a bad thing?
Unless you’re from a different culture, it means two things are highly likely. One is you think it’s necessary for a girl to get flowers or whatever for hanging out with you. The only guys who think a girl needs to be rewarded for the opportunity to get to know them are guys who don’t believe they’re cool and fun to be around.
The second is you probably aren’t a laid back person who knows how to have fun. Outgoing guys who have fun meet a lot of people, including women, and if they bought every potential girlfriend expensive flowers and a nice dinner they’d be broke.
Sometimes dates turn into relationships, sometimes they don’t. If you get to know a girl a bit and she seems like a cool person, go nuts. But until then, she isn’t entitled to gifts just for having a vagina.
Number 2: Instead of dinner and a movie, do something that doesn’t suck.
Dinner and a movie seems to be the go to activity for a first date, but it’s pretty much the most pointless date possible. The idea of a first date is to have fun while getting to know someone, and you can’t do that in a theater.
Dinner dates go alright sometimes, but the potential for awkward silence is always there, and stressing about that can itself lead to awkward silences.
The best first dates are casual and inexpensive. Meeting for a drink is always a great idea because it’s low pressure and alcohol helps people loosen up. It’s also a very versatile date. You can go somewhere else or do something new if it’s going well, or go your separate ways after one drink if it isn’t.
For first dates, downtown is a great idea because there’s lots of stuff within walking distance and the potential for spontaneous adventure is high. Remember, the key is to have fun. Having a drink then walking around talking, flirting, and eating some gelato is so much better than dinner or a movie and costs practically nothing.
Number 3: Let her know you’re interested.
Most of the time when guys end up in the friend zone, it’s because they haven’t asked the girl out. You don’t need to wait a certain amount of time or anything before you let a girl know you like her. This doesn’t mean you have to jump all over her right away, but if you talk to her about the weather for two months she’ll assume you either aren’t into her or don’t have the balls to make a move.
No need for love letters or anything complex, a simple “Hey, we should go out for a drink sometime.” is good enough. Do this after you’re already in a conversation and the vibe is positive; she’ll be a lot more likely to say yes. If you don’t really know her and haven’t talked to her at all yet, it can seem strange.
She might wonder if you just randomly ask women if they’ll meet you for a drink. If you sort of know her but you have boring conversations, she’ll likely say no to avoid going out and having more boring conversations.
Some guys like to ask for a number first, but I don’t. There’s a bunch of reasons, but the main reason is pretty straightforward. If you ask her to do something and she says yes, you then have a reason to get her number and she knows when you’re going out and when you’re going to call. No wondering when to call, what to say, whether she missed your call or she’s avoiding you… you get the idea.
Number 4: Have your own stuff going on.
This is easily the most important piece of advice you can ever get in terms of getting better with women. Almost every “tip” you’ll read online about acting a certain way, waiting a certain amount of time before you text back to appear cooler, and so on will just happen naturally if you have a socially active life.
If you’re not having fun without women, you likely won’t have fun with them. If you’re not having fun with them, they won’t want to be around you. Have your own passions, hobbies, and experiences. If you look at almost any guy women are attracted to, you start to notice they have these things in common.
They also tend to have lots of funny, cool stories because they’re out doing stuff with their friends. If you don’t have interesting friends, make some. A good place to start is finding stuff you like to do, it’s a great way to meet other like minded people.
Play a sport of some kind too. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy competitive or hardcore, any sport will keep you in shape and give you tons of opportunity to meet other people and get invited to social events.
Plus if you’re inexperienced with women athletes are basically the best people to hang around with, you’ll learn infinitely more by hanging out with people who go out and have fun than you will sitting at home reading.
Be passionate about something. Lots of guys feel a lack of purpose in their life and try to fill this hole with women, but usually these guys are clingy and clinginess is a massive turn off. Having something you enjoy doing to occupy your time is a huge plus, because you no longer have to pretend to wait two days to call a girl so you seem like you have stuff going on. You can actually be enjoying your own life so much you legitimately forget to call.
If you have questions, criticism, or if you’re friend zoned and need help, feel free to comment below and I’ll get back to you within a day or two.